Waking up (again)

Time to dive deep

Redefinition is a nightmare — we think we’ve arrived, in our nice Pottery Barn boxes, and that this or that is true. Then something happens that totally sucks, and we are in a new box, and it is like changing into clothes that don’t fit, that we hate. Yet, the essence remains. Everything we lose is Buddhist truth — one more thing that you don’t have to grab with your death grip, and protect from theft or decay. It’s gone. We can mourn it, but we don’t have to get down in the grave with it. ~Anne Lamott, Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

Hello! Current moment, I am sitting in the first of 15 coffee houses from a list of the best in Colorado Springs editing this issue. I recently decided that even an introvert needs to get out of the house! After spending two weeks not going anywhere due to healing, and then getting snowed in, I felt like I was going stir-crazy. One can only watch so much TV and when you’re healing in the way that I was, it’s hard to give focus to much of anything. My body demanded attention. However, if you should be in need of fun stuff to watch, I recommend White Lotus, Emily in Paris, and Slumberland. I hope you enjoy this issue. I am most excited about the January Mix Tape — a homage to the 80s (not the music on the list, just the act of making it.)

A couple of reminders, the chat feature is open and I will be posting there every other week. I hope you will engage. But also please feel free to comment here in the comments if something strikes you — share with me and others. Let’s learn from each other. And lastly, if you feel so inclined, please share this with anyone that you think might enjoy or get something out of this.

And now this week’s writing. xo

Waking up from anesthesia is a weird sensation. For a moment there is a feeling of disorientation. You look around to find something to ground you as you slowly awaken. Your body doesn’t feel like your own, you try to place yourself, and remember the last thing you heard, saw, or felt.

At the end of 2022, I had surgery to remove the fibroids that had been plaguing me since 2020. It took a long time to get to that point, many doctors (in different states and countries) were seen, and finally, a date was scheduled. When I finally had a doctor that actually listened to me, I was so very grateful. I had been told everything from — they weren’t a big deal, get a hysterectomy, you will be in menopause soon and they will shrink. No one heard me say how much pain I was in, the discomfort I felt, or how my life was changing because of what I could no longer do as a result of them. But then one day, I walked into an office and was heard. Not only was I heard, but this doctor took the time to explain every single one of my options and said which feels like the best option for you? I started crying right there in the office.

In the days leading up to the procedure, I became more and more anxious. I was going to be alone for the surgery. But also — death every present on my mind — reared its head again. I left my mom a message saying who Sammy was to go to if anything weird were to happen and where all his paperwork was located. She said thank you and then called me to say I would be fine. But she understood. Also, because I knew I was going to be alone, healing on my own I prepared the house as best as I could. I cleaned up, knowing I wouldn’t be able to really do that like I normally would. I moved furniture to places I knew I would be utilizing. I went grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s because they have the best semi-healthy quick food. And I made this Herbal Healing Broth, knowing I wouldn’t want to put anything bulky in my system and wanted to kick start my healing process with vitamin-rich nutrients. The last thing I did, was to hold a ceremony for my fibroids. These growths had suddenly appeared in my body and grew and grew (in fact the doctor told me a couple weeks after, that the average uterus is about 50 grams and I had over 250 grams of fibroids in my body - enough for 5 uteruses!). I believe they were trying to communicate to me just how badly my body needed rest. And during the ceremony, I thanked them and said goodbye. They spoke to me too. And at that moment, I heard voices that I also knew to be my spirit guides that have watched over me for so long, guiding me to my truth.

About 10 days after the surgery, my body and mind started to feel awake again. Yet, I was still unable to do much and I wasn’t supposed to be lifting anything over 15 lbs for six weeks. My doctor, mother, and friends were all there to remind me that healing takes time.

When our bubble bursts, we can recognize that we are walking through a very important doorway. Then we can experiment with hanging out on the other side of that doorway. We can learn to relax there.

~Pema Chödrön, Welcoming the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World

As I enter a period of actual physical rest (4-hour surgery and 3 incisions into my body) I am increasingly aware of how I never really allowed myself (mentally and emotionally) to rest when my bubble burst. At the end of 2020, I was not just tired, I was exhausted. And it wasn’t just 9 months of exhaustion, it was over 25 years of exhaustion.

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Why is it so hard to rest? And why am I so able to offer this advice to others and have such difficulty doing it myself? What would happen if I allowed myself to embrace what it means to rest truly? What does rest look like, feel like? Why do we need rest? Why are Black women more prone to exhaustion?

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This is uncomfortable. You want to rush through. You want to hurry to whatever is next. Next is not available yet. Next is being made possible now, and it does not exist yet. Slow down and dream a little. You have the power to conjure and imagine what is next. This is a place of possibility.

~ Octavia F Raheem, Pause Rest Be: Stillness Practices for Courage in Times of Change

While healing and being forced to be still, I realized that I had not given myself that gift when I needed it this year and the year before. I attempted to do what I had been doing — grind, create, put out something, and hang on to what was no more. None of it was working. And after a while, I actually started to feel like a failure. Meanwhile, my body was telling me to stop. My anxiety had increased, my blood pressure was high, my anemia was off the charts, and I couldn’t even practice asana as well because of the fibroids. The more I pushed, the more uncomfortable I felt. And one day, I thought, what if you just let go, give in, full surrender? I held a ceremony out by this lone tree on the next property and said goodbye to what was, gave gratitude for what I had, and cried and cried and cried. The next day, I knew what to do and I slowly started to let go of things I had been holding onto — thoughts, beliefs, grievances, and fear. Fear of what I would think of myself and others too. Thoughts of being less than I was. The loss of relationships. I am by no means through it all, but I think I am finally in a head space and body space of true healing. More to come…thoughts????

To Ponder

This page taken from The Radiance Sutras by Lorin Roche, Ph.D. is the second of a section of sutras that speak to the importance of drawing inward and giving focus to something that unlocks our heart and has no choice but to bring us fully into the present moment. Sutras 34-39 suggest that in order to gain more focus we do not rush into the act of more doing, but step away instead. In the space we create by stepping away we are then more able to contemplate, wonder, and dream. As an educator, I spoke much to others about divergent thinking and its importance in the classroom. Why would I have children drawing or journaling outside instead of at desks (which I did not have in my classroom)? Because I knew how for myself, that when I was on a hike not thinking of the issue or problem the answer would come to me then. Or all the times I would dream at night of my lesson plans in full. How can we begin to create space to wonder more in our daily life? What might be the effect of such time given to ourselves?

Music

A few days ago, I read an article on The Marginalian about creativity. Two creatives — Beethoven and John Lennon were quoted as they discussed “private incubation” and how vital it is for creatives to take this time to produce in their authentic voices and not produce for the masses in seeking public appraisal. To speak to their truth.

The article spoke about how he fell away from the “scene” for five years. How he and Yoko had dealt with many miscarriages and spent time settling into life as parents once their baby was born. Speaking about the album Double Fantasy, which he created with Yoko Ono after what was to the rest of the world a five-year absence from the music scene, he spoke about how they were doing everyday things after many years of stressful situations. They did things like baking, changing diapers, and doing yoga. He also says that he could not have written Double Fantasy without those five years. And then this, “ When they first criticized “From Me to You” as below par Beatles, that’s when I first realized you’ve got to keep it up, there’s some sort of system where you get on the wheel and you’ve got to keep going around.”

Still, in bed, I looked up the album (I have songs that I love but don’t always know the albums they come from). And that’s when I learned that Double Fantasy contains my favorite songs by John Lennon: Woman, Just Like Starting Over, I’m Losing You, Beautiful Boy, and of course Watching The Wheels.

If we are truly to be at our best and continue our ability to create, it becomes necessary to take time to pause. Sometimes that pause is an hour and sometimes that pause is years. Rest and creativity fit together.

January Mix Tape (a fun bonus)

I grew up in the 80s and as a true 80s kid, I am a big fan of the mix tape. I’m sure at least some of you will remember, sitting in your room on a Friday night with your boom box, fingers on the ready-to-press record just after the DJ stopped speaking and hopefully before the song started. When I read the book, High Fidelity, I was in love. It was a homage to the mix tape (and torturous relationships). What I love about a great mix tape is that it carries a feeling and maybe even tells a bit of a story. I recommend not reading the list of songs, just press play and make sure not to have it on shuffle. As a music head, I love sharing the gift of music with others. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed making it. Maybe you’ll discover something new, be reminded of something old, and dance. With love from me to you.

A Reading

This comes from one of my favorite authors, Pixie Lighthorse. If you have taken a class with me or been on one of my retreats, then it is likely you have heard me read from her books. This one is called, Honoring Divine Stillness and is from the book, Prayers of Honoring. I hope you enjoy it.

Invitation to Practice

On this journey, we will encounter many quests. I offer this one to you. Plan a time of rest. This means, picking an hour or two to turn off the phone, and off technology. Don’t plan to paint, to list, to walk - although those things could be part of it. But don’t make it a thing “to do”. Get up and see where you are led to go. Sit still outside or inside, and stare into space. Notice how it feels to be still. Lay on your back and gaze at the ceiling or sky, and notice where your mind goes. Breathe and focus on your breath. Your mind will wander. It may feel uncomfortable. Allow this. Do not run from it. Embrace it.

Well, that is all for this time around ( I know it was a lot) but hopefully, you got something from it. Thank you for reading. I’d invite you to comment below if something resonates with you or if you have something to share or a question. Please remember this is a space of kindness and love, please comment in kind. Also, if you think someone else could benefit from this reading, please share it. Your shares will help this community to grow.

Blessings and Love to you all,

Candace